


A (somewhat) Drunken Mary Sue Undertale Adventure

by literalmarysue (Seekingtheoblivion)



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Self Insert, Why did I post this?, and will do, curse a lot, cursing, god i love being weird, i like to, in all caps, life's great mysteries, lmao why did i write this?, undertale - Freeform, why did i post this on a monday?, will update tags as i write, writing this is the most fun i have had all 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:08:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22781527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seekingtheoblivion/pseuds/literalmarysue
Summary: Writing undertale as if i fell into it.I am a 31 year old midwestern lady with mad adhd who never learned to curb her absolute batshit ideas.Will this be my best writing? No. Will it be even remotely comprehensible? Also no.Do with this what you will.Enjoy the ride!
Comments: 29
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> good luck and godspeed for reading this yall

“Ah shit. Ahhhhh shit.” My head is pounding with a vicious migraine. As I regain consciousness I immediately regret it. I remain still and try trick myself back into not being awake.

I fail. 

Next move, okay. I try to open my eyes, but they are crusted shut. Gross. I bring a hand to rub at them then flop it back down. I am grumpy to the point of prayer.  
“God I hardcore don’t want to awake and living this goddamn nonsense right now. A few more minutes of sleep. Please? Come oooon, You know I’m Your favorite.”

Waiting...

My head keeps pounding.  
I must not be a favorite.

I address another prayer to the Almighty.  
“Bruh. For real?”

Not expecting an answer to that one, I decide to try opening my eyes again.

In like, another minute.

Blech. Hangovers suck.  
Wait, am I hungover? 

I take a few moments to herd my wandering synapses into a single, coherent Thought.

Last thing I remember is hiking with a couple of my obscenely energetic friends. They move like they are being propelled by rockets and I am huffing and puffing in the rear, all like wheezing and shit. Being an aging, out of shape asthmatic probably didn’t help.

As that comes back to me, I remember more...  
An exhausted slog to try to keep up. My foot getting caught in a root and my subsequent fall.  
The fall being really, outrageously long.  
Like seriously, where was even a hole this big? How is this still happening?  
Then, I think…am I actually falling this much or did I pass out while hiking with too little oxygen?

…

I am scared to open my eyes now. My migraine is dulled as my fear response takes over.

Either I fell down a BIG fucking hole or I need to go to a hospital, like yesterday.  
(Okay if I fell down a big hole I probably still need a hospital.)

Or…..  
………….  
………………….  
I’m dead and this is a real weird intro to the afterlife.  
I’d prefer the neighborhood designed to torture me but then I actually fall in love with my soulmate like in The Good Place, thanks.

Welp. I’m still coherent and weird enough to think that in the middle of a panic attack so I’m probably fine.

Okay, time to actually open my eyes.  
Here I go. In 3…2…1!

My eyes stay closed.  
Ugh fine. I just need some motivation. 

Alright, okay.  
Alright alright okay.  
Goddamn shut it mind stop quoting Macklemore, now’s not the time.

It is time to Mackle….Less.

I rear back as the horror of that pun backhands me right across the face, forcing me to open my eyes and deal with the reality of my situation.

I just made a pun about…  
I shudder. I can’t even say it. 

Realizing my eyes are actually open and taking in information, I look around to see that I am in a cave. One with a tall, tall ass ceiling. A beam of light is shining down onto me where I lay. I am in a wildly surprising soft bed of flowers. I sit up and realize that my migraine is mostly gone and I..well I actually feel pretty good.  
The flowers around me are so soft, I rub their petals until I remember that’s not good for plants. 

Feeling guilty and very, very confused, I tentatively stand and step out of the flowerbed. I turn back to look at it. It shows no signs of an adult human smash landing in it.  
I pull up my mental explanation list and find that while what I am looking at right now is more in line with the Alice in Wonderland type fall, I am hesitant to cross off low oxygen pass out from my list, as none of this shit is making a lick of sense.

Well, I guess Alice in Wonderland didn’t make sense either.

However... she was a kid. It is possible that her imagination as such wasn’t brutally and ruthlessly stomped down by societal expectations placed upon her by folks who have way too much power and resources yet who also don’t give either the resources at their disposal or a single, solitary fuck to give to her or any other child’s future as to affect her imaginative reality...

Okay a bit off topic there.

I shake my head to brush off the mental cobwebs and actually look around.

There’s not much in this room besides the soft, golden flowers, unimaginably tall walls, and in a far corner.. an entrance deeper into the cave. That seems to be the only way out or onward.

I don’t want to go into that entrance.

I want to go home.

Striding back to the invincible flower bed, I plop back down. It feels like I am sitting on a memory foam mattress made exclusively for my butt. I revel in it.  
Eventually, I come back to reality.  
What do I do? I didn’t bring my phone on the trip because, you know, nature and shit. And literally no one, including my rocket fuel friends could climb this wall to the top.  
Plus, I really, really, really, really, really, REALLY don’t want to go further into the cave. Even the thought of it makes me feel trapped. As I am imagining it claustrophobia climbs up and wraps itself around my limbs like imaginary vines. Panic weaves itself in between my veins. My thoughts almost stop, but I trip a mental trigger from past attacks that reminds me to breathe. So I do.

I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Count to ten breathing in, hold ten, then breathe out ten. Repeat until you don’t feel like you are going to explode. Breathe in, hold, breathe out. 

I focus on my breathing exercise for what seems like ages. But finally. Finally! I am at the right amount of calm to move forward.  
Deep breath.

Deeper into the cave it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and no i have no idea why it is so big. this is the only pic I've ever added and god knows why I decided to start now


	2. Chapter 2: electric boogalo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck is up with flowey

Aight, bitch it’s time to nut up or shut up. All the joints in my body creak as I stand up. Not because of the fall, that’s just a normal thing. Once I stop poppin’ like corn I stride to the entrance like I’m not five seconds away from shitting my pants in fear.

There is enough light coming from…somewhere in this room..cave? thing that makes it pretty easy to see. I look around and see just one of those golden flowers in the middle of a patch of grass. 

Weird, but okay.

I take a few tentative steps into the room and a cheerful voice surprises me.

“Howdy! I’m Flowey! Flowey the flower!”

Commence shitting in 3…2…

I unconsciously clench my buttcheeks together and screech.

“HOLY FUCK IT TALKS!”

The flower from just moments ago had grown to the size of a cat, and, I bullshit you not. Had a face. Which contorts grotesquely for a microsecond before seeming to shake it off. 

“You’re new to the underground, aren’tcha?”

Said the flower. 

With a face.

In English. 

I stare at it for a moment, horror unlike I have ever known spreading through my body like the very blood in my veins.  
I open my mouth to reply.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” My scream emits from my gut without conscious thought and I scramble back into the other room.  
I run blindly and trip back into the flowers that cushioned my fall. Soft flowers. That don’t have faces. 

I take comfort in the fact that these flowers haven’t transformed yet. Maybe these are normal flowers?

I breathe for a moment until my panic ebbs. 

Well, I figure, 2020 was a thing so I guess I can deal with this.

I am comforted by the thought. There’s no rules anymore and anything goes. What’s that John Mulaney quote.. “Life is already so goddamn weird, this might as well happen.” Something like that.  
I stand back up and walk back into the other room, armed with life’s weirdness. 

The flower opens their mouth, (a mouth? Does it EAT????) but before they can say anything I hold up a hand and speak.

“Okay, dude, I don’t know what the fuck is happening, but I just gotta say sorry for that reaction. That was really rude.”

The flower, fuck what’s it’s name again…Flowey, that’s right…Flowey looks very confused. With their face.

That makes both of us. 

They keeps looking at me. I wait for them to talk.

Finally, Flowey says, “This isn’t supposed to happen.”

I frown. “That’s a weird thing to say.”

Flowey’s face contorts. Their mouth opening wider than I thought possible. It is filled with extremely long and sharp teeth. I guess that answers my earlier question about eating, unsettling enough.

“Y O U D O N T U N D E R S T A N D T H I S I S N O T W H A T I S S U P P O S E D T O H A P P E N” 

I’m gonna get wrinkles at the rate my frown deepens

“Bitch, the fuck??”

Flowey shrinks back to their previous size, changing demeanor almost instantly. The only giveaway to their previous countenance is the strained look in their eyes.

“Golly, you must be so confused! Someone ought to teach you how things work around here! I guess little old me will have to do.”

“IDK what you are talking about but dude you sure as fuck ain’t little.”

Flowey’s eye twitches violently. 

Okay so I know I said ima be all baller and not let shit phase me but really??? Is this really the shit I have to deal with? 

“Bruh.”

Flowey forces a grin.

“Ready? Here we go!”

My vision goes black. I feel like I’m floating but then I see a glowing red heart in front of me.  
It feels.. it feels like me. Like this psycho flower reached their grubby…(shit it got no hands) uh leaves into me and pulled out my damn soul.

While I’m watching the heart, a white box appears around the heart, giving it a wide berth. At the same time, a completely solid white version of Flowey appears in front of me. I can see a few words hovering below the box but before I can read them, Flowey speaks.

“See that heart.  
That is your SOUL,  
the very culmination   
of your being!”

“Bitch, I was right!” I blurt before realizing that probably made no sense out loud. Oh well. I shrug and see that instead of actually shrugging, the red heart moves up and down a small bit.

Oh hell yeah, that’s awesome!

I start jumping and waving my arms. The heart moves in tandem. While I am playing around with the physics of this, I slowly notice Flowey waiting impatiently. If they had arms, they would be crossed.

“My bad, Flowey.” I gesture for it to continue. The movement makes the heart wiggle a bit.

Flowey looks pissed, but didn’t get weird so I consider it a win. 

It continues, “Your SOUL starts out weak, but can grow strong if you gain enough LV!”

And before I can interject Flowey speeds along.

“What does LV stand for? Why, LOVE, of course! You want some LOVE, don’t you?”  
Flowey pauses for a moment, waiting for my answer.

“I mean, like yeah? Don’t we all?”

Flowey grimaces at me. It seems like they very much want this conversation to end.

“Don’t worry, I’ll share some with you.” 

“Aww, thanks Flowey. I was starting to think you didn’t like me.” 

As I speak, I realize that I can see the floating words.   
They say: LV 1 HP 20/20

Huh, weird.

Flowey ignores me and seems to finally brighten and grin as small white things appear and spin around them. 

“Down here, LOVE is shared through….”

More white things appear.

“Little white…friendliness pellets.” 

what.  
No really, like what.

I look into Flowey’s eyes and see a strange glint. Their grin, if anything, widens.

“Are you ready?”

“uh no"

Flowey ignores me as little white bullet motherfuckers come at the little red heart from all different directions.

“Move around! Get as many as you can!”

“Oh fuck!” I instinctively dive out of the way of the closest ones.

However, I have the reflexes of an inanimate object. The rest punch through me like invisible bullets and I know that while I don’t appear physically hurt, I am about to die.   
Shit this escalated quickly.

Flowey’s big creepy teeth grin reemerges.  
“YOU IDIOT!” In this world it is kill or BE killed.”

I flip them the bird. Not sure how I managed that.

More white bullet things surround me. This time in a complete circle.  
Flowey’s eyes glint. “Time to put this timeline to bed!”

**“Die.”**

I’m fucked.


	3. Chapter 3: Home is where your ass should be

Flowey cackles as the bullets grow closer. 

I wiggle the heart helplessly…until suddenly… I’m completely healed?

Flowey looks startled as hell as a fireball knocks him from my vision.

A very tall goat lady wearing a dress appears before me. 

What.

“What a terrible creature, torturing a pure, innocent youth…Ah, don’t be afraid child. I am Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins…”

She trails off, looking me up and down. I am abruptly shoved out of the weird floaty heart space and back into my body.

“You are not a child.”

I feel like I have whiplash. No wait a sec. I crack my neck back and forth. Ow I do actually have whiplash. 

Rubbing my neck, I answer. “Uh, never said I was?”

Toriel flinches, taken aback.

“Oh no, no. I just mean that everyone else who has fallen here have been children. You are the first adult human I have seen for..well…a long time.”

“Oh okay……. And kids? That SUCKS. That answers those cold missing persons reports…” I pause to think, making sure to do that one expression that makes it look like I’m thinking.

Slowly, like I’m trying to catch a rare bug in animal crossing, I state, “Those all happened awhile ago now and the news never reported any of them being found.” 

After a moment of almost overwhelming dread, a new thought shines through.  
“If I survived, they surely did as well! That means they are still down here!” I step closer to the woman, eyes shining with excitement and hope.  
“Where are they now? Can I see them?”

Toriel reels back for a moment, then gains composure.

“You took a hard fall, dear. Why don’t we go back to my home and get you settled.”

Toriel clearly doesn’t want to talk about them. I am uncomfortable down to my core. I take a moment to try to assess my current situation and ability to gain new information from a stranger.

Welp, I did indeed take a hard ass fall, am in some alice in wonderland shit, and would like to sleep for as long as physically possible without dying, I decide to nod.

Toriel gestures me to follow but I hold up a finger.

I glare at Toriel, only slightly cross-eyed. “This isn’t over. I WILL find out what happened to those children.”

Her expression falls. “I know.”

She takes a moment then clears her throat.

“I pass through this place everyday to see if anyone has fallen down. You are the first human to come here in a long time.”

“Yeah… where is here anyways?” I look around the cavern. There is not much to note.

“Let me show you. Come! I will guide you through the catacombs. This way.” Toriel gestures for me to follow her as she exits the room. I have no choice but to follow her.

We walk into the next area, which is purple?? For some reason??? There is a large square outlined in red leaves with a bright, golden pulsating light behind it. I feel strangely compelled to touch it. I walk up to the light and reach out my hand. The moment the light touches my hand I feel restored. I look up to the looming ruins above me and the knowledge that I am getting shit done lends me some determination.

Man I wish there was some shit like this above ground. Just touch a floating light and BAM you good as hell. Okay, best follow Toriel now. I pull my hand back. The light glows and pulsates on. Since I can never leave well enough alone, I reach out to touch it again, but feel no different.

Huh. Well, whatever. 

Shit son. I got this.


	4. Okay I made this a chapter again lol

Pumped full of that good, good determination, I catch up to Toriel. I am only slightly winded.

“Alright, Toriel. What are we up to now?”

She looks down at me with a slight smile and explains, “We are in the Ruins. Like much of the Underground, they are filled with puzzles. You will need to get used to solving them if you desire to make progress on your journey. I will walk with you and offer guidance on solving them.”

I give Toriel a double thumbs-up. “Cool. I mean, weird, but cool.”

Toriel smiles and nods. “Of course, small one.”

We walk through a couple of rooms with switches on the wall, then come across a creepy armless mannequin thing. Toriel stops in front of it and turns to face me.

“As a human in the Underground, monsters may attack you. You need to be prepared for this situation.”

Toriel takes a breath to continue, but I interrupt. “Waitwaitwait, so that flower thing wasn’t a fluke? I am going to get attacked all the time???”

She shakes her head. “The flower was…I don’t know. Normally if you use the confrontation to initiate a friendly conversation, you will be able to end the fight without violence.” Toriel steps away from the mannequin and nods at you to approach it, “Why don’t you try it on this dummy?”

I raise my eyebrows and shrug. “Uh..okay.” I step in front of the dummy and the weird soul-sucking sensation and box thing appear like it did earlier, this time with the dummy front and center. Additionally, there is more floating text. FIGHT, ACT, ITEM, and Mercy. I’m getting hella video game vibes and it is super trippy.

I wonder for a second how I am supposed to do anything, so I just kinda, think ACT and focus on it. It seems to have worked because a new option appears, Talk. I mentally @Talk and blurt out of the first thing that comes to mind. 

“God this is weird. Uh, sup…dummy.”

The dummy, being a dummy, remains silent.

Toriel leans into view and gives me a thumbs up. New text appears saying, “YOU WON! You earned 0 XP and 0 gold.”

My vision returns to normal and I give my head a quick shake. “So…that was it? That was weird, but not actually bad.”

Toriel starts walking for the door and I hurry to follow. “When you enter a confrontation with a real monster, they will actually try to attack you. Just keep your wits about you and ACT, then show MERCY. You will be just fine.”

I nod along as we walk into a new room. “Okay, I can do that.”

Almost immediately after I say that, I see a oversized Frog thing make it’s way over to. I start to ask Toriel what it is but get sucked into the video game visuals again.

Okay, it’s showtime. The text say “Froggit attacks you!” before going back to the ones from last time. I ACT again, this time it shows I can either compliment or threaten the frog. Those are wildly different things to each other. In the spirit of not being a dick, I choose compliment.

“You lookin’ fresh as fuck today, my dude.”

The frog makes to act but Toriel steps in again and Froggit cowers back. I apparently win a nonexistent fight again. Whoop, whoop!

“It looks like you are getting the hang of these confrontations…” Toriel stops abruptly and a look of horror appears on her face. I look around to see what is wrong when I get a gentle but huge and furry hand on my shoulder. “My dear, I apologize. I never asked for your name!”

I pat the hand on my shoulder. I have small hands anyways for a human so the action makes them look extra fucking small. “It’s cool, dude. We’ve been distracted. It’s Jenn.”  
Toriel turns to face me properly and holds out her hand. “It is nice to meet you properly, Jenn.”

The force of her kind gaze is very intense for a hermit like me, so I react by shaking her hand really fast and blushing so hard I can physically feel the heat radiating off my face.  
I cough a bit and clear my throat. “Uh, yeah. Toriel. Thanks.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Toriel laugh quietly to herself. 

I stare resolutely ahead and after a few moments actually register the sight. The floor is covered in spikes. Embarrassment forgotten, I point at them and stare at Toriel.

“Hey Toriel? What the fuck.”

Toriel looks to where I am pointing. “Those are just another puzzle, Jenn. Here, take hold of my hand and I will walk you through it.”

Oh jeez, when was the last time I had physical contact that was not petting my cats? Nope, stop that train of thought. Take the nice goat lady’s hand and shove that shit down even further than the fucking Underground.

I take hold of Toriel’s hand, okay well pretty much just a finger, and she guides me through the sea of spikes like its no biggie. I am hit with a wave of ‘holy shit this is a thing that is happening rn’ but before I can get in too deep we are out of the spikes.

Toriel releases my hand and looks at me. “There are more puzzles ahead, I will guide you through those as well.”

The next couple of rooms have weird puzzles that Toriel walks me through, and I do actually have to weasel my way out of a couple of fights with monsters. I am moderately injured and outrageously whiney. We eventually work our way to a cavern with a big tree in front of a surprisingly normal looking house. There is another pulsating light just kind of chilling by the tree. Again, I crave that mineral. I touch it and feel renewed and invigorated. I hardcore with there was something like this my entire fucking life. Goddamn. Or maybe it is, but its just called Adderall. Idk. Anyways, I’m here, I’m queer, and it's time to get my ass into gear.


	5. I Am Not Having A Good Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooooooo!!! I'm back!! 2020 is a BITCH, but it is Undertale's 5th anniversary so there is still good in the world. anyways, I'm here to corrupt it.

Toriel starts to walk to the house, but turns back. “Oh, Jenn. I completely forgot. Earlier we passed by a bake sale. Would you mind terribly, if I were to ask you to take a few coins and buy me a spider donut from there? Here is a few extra so you can get one for yourself as well. I try to support them when I am out in the Ruins.” 

I make the ‘uh sure whatever okay, your request makes me uncomfortable but idk what else to do’ face. You know which one I’m talking about. “Uh, yeah I can do that. Where is it?” 

Toriel smiles, then takes a second digging around in her pockets and drops a couple dozen coins in my hand. 

“Do you remember the Froggits we passed? There is a sign by the last one. You will need to go past it. It will be in a small room on your left. While you are doing that, I am going to get started on something special! Oh, also take this.” Toriel hands me a 90’s era brick-like cell phone. “My number is in the phone, call me if you need anything!”

I make a smile-like thing with my face and toss her a double thumbs up. I turn back to the way we came from, grind my teeth, then ungrind them because I remember it is bad for both my teeth and jaw. Idk but I don’t think I’ll be able to find a mouth guard down here.

Instead, I wait until I’m out of sight, then scream for a little while into my arm. It doesn’t mute it terribly well, but bitches make do. After a fresh second, I stop since I’m as cool as a cat and fly as a bat. I pocket the change I was holding and clutch at the phone in my hand. I probably should have done that before my emotional episode. Oh well. The phone is enormous, for real, how did I not see her carrying this around? Does she just walk around with a spare one of these fossils? Weird. Weird and Intriguing.

I ponder her technique as I make my way through the puzzle rooms again. Thankfully the puzzles have remained solved from earlier. I encounter a few more monsters, but I end up fleeing most since Toriel isn’t here to heal me. Plus, I know my skills and fighting, even..like..metaphysically?? isn’t one of them. During my trek, my “new” phone starts ringing so loudly it echoes in the caverns. The few monsters I see hanging around scatter.

I press talk and hold it to my ear. “Uh, hello?”

“Small o…Jenn! It is Toriel! Pardon my interruption, but I forgot to ask earlier. Tell me, do you have a preference between cinnamon and butterscotch?”

I pause and scratch my head. “Oh, uh butterscotch I guess? I mean I’m more like a salt and vinegar chips or a stale crunchy Cheetos type of gal but I sure as heck won’t turn town some good, good dessert."

A brief moment of silence. Toriel clears her throat, a little awkwardly. 

“Okay…? Though you don’t dislike cinnamon, do you?” She asks.

I make a face and shrug. Realizing she can’t see me. I answer, “I mean, no? It’s fine?”

“Perfect! Thank you again for running this errand for me. Call if you need anything!” I hear a click and the line goes silent.

Shaking my head, I keep going. I get to the Froggits and nod at them as I pass. I see a sign next to the far one, so I am on the right track. I go down the hall and step out into an area that has a hallway on the left I missed before. But I stop in my tracks because I notice a lil ghosty dude straight up lying on the ground on some leaves. I take a few tentative steps and call out somewhat softly.

“Uh, hey there ghost man. You all good?”

I am immediately pulled into an encounter. Huh, didn’t see that one coming. The opening text says, “Here comes Napstablook.” With the ghost staring at me like a nerd dissecting a frog, I give him the side-eye and choose Act. The options here are: Check, Threat, Flirt, Cheer. I feel a little weird with all these actions but I’ll choose Cheer, I guess.

I smile a bit and say, “Uh, good game champ.”

The ghost, Napstablook, goes, “Heh…”

They then proceed to cry so hard the tears become their attack on me. Does the Underground have psychologists? I’m starting to think Napstablook might need one.  
I manage to dodge out of the way of the tear-bullets this round. I choose Act then Cheer, because flirting with a small crying ghost makes me uncomfortable. And threatening this sad dude… That’s a thumbs down for me. I’ll tell a joke. About cats, of course.

“What is a group of unorganized cats called?”

……..

“A CAT-astrophe!!! Hahaha, get it!”

I get two, name it TWO “heh’s” from that one. Nailed it!

I wait for the inevitable tears when instead I get a message. 

_“Really not feeling up to it right now. Sorry.”_

I have GOT to learn that trick! How do you project messages instead of using an attack?? Seems useful as hell. Also, damn Napstablook. Seems like you really did want to be left alone….

Oh, right sorry we still in an encounter.

Napstablook looks better than before, so I’m gonna stick with my Cheers ya’ll. That Ted Danson can GET IT.

“Listen, buddy. I don’t know you but projecting a message instead of attacking me was cool as hell. You gotta teach me that trick sometime. Also, I feel you. Sorry I bothered you.”

Napstablook seems to perk up. The text screen says that he wants to show me something.

“Thumbs up. Yes, full steam ahead buddy.”

The attack screen comes back and I brace myself, but when he starts crying the tears float upwards to form a top hat. A top hat made of tears.

“I call it Dapper-blook. Do you like it….?”

Tbh I was hoping for the text trick, but that’s round two of no attacks. More than alright in my book. My next choice appears. Cheer, babey!!

“Fuck yeah, my dude. You look more dapper than when they cleaned up a dirty Leonardo DiCaprio in The Titanic so he could go fuck around with the rick folks.”

“oh…oh no…”

“Oh shit, I’m sorry do you not have The Titanic down here? Or if you do, do you not like it? Sorry, my man.”

“no… I usually come to the Ruins because nobody’s around….but today I met somebody nice…I’m rambling again. I’ll get out of your way.” Napstablook straight up vanishes. Like a ghost.   
_(EEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!)_

“Napstablook no!!” I shout. Then, more softly. “You never showed me how to do the text thing…”

I run my hands through my hair, momentarily hoping they have razors down here or it is a fast time through this place because my undercut will go from rad to bad rather quickly. I scratch my scalp, noting how batshit tangled and greasy my hair has gotten. Toriel BETTER have a fucking shower or ima have a shitfit. 

I realize that somehow I ended up sitting down, so I stand back up. Right, I got shit to do, Casper the depressed ghost got me off track. I got a bake sale to get to. I turn around and go in the heretofor unexplored “room on the left”.

I walk in, fully expecting to be assailed with baked goods as forbidden to my celiac ass as salt is to slugs, but instead I am greeted with two spider webs. 

Uh….what.

Do I have the right room? Since no one is here to guide/judge me, I crouch down and look from a moderate distance at the webs. One has a note asking for 7 gold, the other 18. Okay, I root around in my pockets and dig up the change that Toriel gave me. Hmm. 26 gold. Okay, she wanted a donut and said to get one for myself. Neither say what they have. I…don’t know what either of them are, or what they made of and I am not risking shitting myself in a place with no bathrooms that I know of. I tentatively put 7 gold in the one small one and 18 in the big one, standing as far away as I can while still reaching them. I get a spider donut and spider cider respectively. From real, actual FUCKING SPIDERS. I contain my fear until I gather the food (that I have no intention of EVER eating) from the sticky webs, and yeet myself out of the room faster than an empty pop can.

Once out of the room, I violently brush myself off everywhere, bend over and shake my hair out. SPIDERS!!!!! Talking homicidal flowers, I can handle. Sentient monsters who live underground and speak English, I can handle. SPIDERS!!!ASDFALKJA;LSJFA!!!! **no.**

I stand up straight again, feeling every brush of air as a potential spider. I get back to the sign, which I neglected to read earlier. Its message unsettles me to my bones…I…I cannot repeat it. I must move on.

I find my way back to Toriel’s house in a daze, cortisol now drained from me leaving me a husk of a human. The food…in my bag…is made of OH GOD I NEED TO VOMIT. I swallow and breathe through my nose until the urge subsides. 

Jesus Christ.

I blink a few times and I am standing once again in front of the tree. I unconsciously look for and find myself drawn to the pulsing light. As soon as I touch it I feel..pretty good actually. I take a deep breath and head inside the house. Surely, things can only get better from here.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short and crunchy chapter. i'm wearing my new glasses prescription and i feel weird as hell

So, this is Toriel’s house. It is the most normal (for a middle class person of privileged/hoe like me) looking place so far.

I climb the stairs up to the house. I knock and tentatively go inside, calling for Toriel.

As soon as I enter, I am….befuddled. I have never been here before, but I am overwhelmed with a feeling of…love. It exudes from this place like it was woven into its very foundation. I feel like I just walked into my childhood home.

Dude, like… this might be too weird. Because it is. Weird that is. Places I have never been to shouldn’t make me feel ‘homey’. I don’t know how much more nonsense I can take.   
At least this is a nice weirdness….I think.

I start to gather my wits, then realizing that I have none, I clear my voice and call out,  
“Toriel! I got your weird donut!”

I close my eyes for what feels like a blink, then startle when I feel a gigantic furry hand land gently on my shoulder.

In the words of middle schoolers: “Bruh.”

Toriel pauses and blinks, then goes on. “Small o…Jenn, thank you.” Toriel takes the baked spiders… ahem, spider donut from my hands, leaving me with the spider cider. I take two fingers and place it in my inventory for later use…I guess.

Oh shit I have an inventory. Sick.

Toriel clears her throat. “I have a surprise for you.”

She smiles, then turns and walks down a hallway to the right. I take a moment to absorb the pervasive sense of home this house exudes, then turn and follow her.  
I catch up after a moment and Toriel gestures at a door.

“This is it… A room of your own for while you are here. I hope you like it!”

I have a weird dissociative feeling that Toriel has done this before. More than once. My stomach simultaneously chooses this moment both drop to the floor(metaphorically) and to rumble loudly(literally).  
Toriel seems to shake herself for a moment, then stands up straight. “You must be famished! While I’m getting something special ready why don’t you take a nap in this room, or explore a bit. It is your choice.” 

I cough to clear my throat, interjecting “Covid-free, I swear.” Before nodding and giving Toriel a thumbs up.  
I clear my throat again and reply. “I, uh, will explore a bit if it’s okay. I mean, idc, if it’s cool with you like you said.”

Toriel gives a small smile and turns to leave, but I call out, far louder than the situation dictates, “Hey Tori…Toriel.” I take a deep breath. “Thank you. For helping me. I don’t know what I can do to repay you.”

Toriel turns back to me and places her gigantic hand on my head. It is the most calming thing I have ever felt. She gives me a parental pat on the head. “Of course. You have nothing to repay.” As she turns and walks back down the hallway, if only for a moment, I feel like a kid again. It is nice to be taken care of.

I let myself have a moment, then promptly shake and remind myself that I am indeed an actual adult, like damn. Get your shit together, babe.

Mentally shaking myself, I bring myself back to the present. Exploring, yes.

I forgo the room in front of me for the moment and venture further down the hall.

The next room is shaded in blue. It is Toriel’s room. As a librarian, I took a solemn blood oath to gaze upon and judge every single book in a person’s home that I see. Keeping with my duties, I peek at the books on her desk. One of them looks like a diary. I sure as shit know this is out of bounds and will have a certified Guilt-Fest™ later, but I crack it open to give it a slight perusal. Ima blame it on the (more than likely) concussion. And I mean, I didn’t earn that Creepmaster Girlscout© badge for nothing. Like unearthing a magical tomb, I (still guiltily but so so SO curious to know what it is a giant goat woman’s journal) open it the fuck up….

Aaaaand I am heartily underwhelmed by cheeseball knock-knock jokes. Dude, Toriel..like…why? Don’t you live by yourself? Damn. What a weird ass thing to put in a diary. 

I could creep further in this room, but after that diary… I decide not to.

I retreat into the hallway and walk down to the end of the hall, passing a door on my left. 

It is a mirror. I look into it. I look gross.

A thought unbidden, pops into my head.   
“It’s you!”

I continue to stare at my image. My disheveled greasy hair, my dirty greasy face, the dark, dark bags under my eyes..

Yeah, it’s me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the word greasy is greasy. Idk how but it is.


	7. yeet this bitch just like a bit empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no plot, just fun. okay well no fun this chapter. but soon. prolly. but also no plot. jsyk

Still staring in the mirror, I remind myself to ask about a shower/bath/a goddamn bucket of water and head to the last door. I go to open it but it says it’s under renovations. That’s a weird thing for someone who lives alone to put up. 

Oh well.

I turn and go back down the hallway to the room Toriel took me to earlier. It is…definitely a child’s room. The vibes I’m getting from Toriel and this lonely house tell me something bad happened. Why is this goat lady who all but screams ‘mom’ all alone and have a fully decked out kid’s room?

I go back out to the hall and walk toward the way I first came in from. There’s a staircase to my right, but I’ll keep going forward for now. This place felt homey at first, but now it’s giving me mad anxiety.  
Toriel is reading in a comfy looking chair.

I sidle up to her imposter style and word-vomit, “Hi Toriel…I uh… So what you reading?”

Smooth.

She slides a finger in her book to hold her place and looks up to me.

“Hello, Jenn. How were your explorations?”

I fiddle a bit, then confess.

“Toriel, like okay. Ughhhh. I looked in your diary. I am sorry!! I shouldn’t have done that. But I am stewing like a soup of curiosity and anxiety. And possibly a concussion but wygd. Anyways, I looked at your diary. And I gotta say…like, really? Knock knock jokes? Like, your existence by yourself and empty rooms are telling me another story.”

Toriel stares at me. Stricken isn’t a word I really use, but it sure as fuck looks like she is now.

I pause, take a breath in. Uuughhh I don’t want to fucking do this!! I breathe out. Aalsdkfjasldkfjasdlfas but fucking fine. 

I will ask.

“Toriel. What happened?”

Toriel slumps like she’s been beaten. I reach out to her, but she knocks my hand away.

“I don’t know you Jenn. I don’t know anything about you or your life. So forgive me when I say this, but you have no IDEA what you are asking.”

She pauses, her shoulders heaving with each breath. I am frozen, unable to decipher what I should do next.

Toriel continues. “My children are dead. Slain by humans. Like you.”

If I was frozen before, I am now at zero Kelvin. I can’t move beneath her gaze. She stares at me a bit longer, then turns her eyes downward. 

“At least they were together, at the end.” She sighs, eyes closed as she bows her head.

Toriel takes a deep breath and centers herself before continuing. 

“I…It isn’t your fault, but I’m afraid you will need to fix it. Fix this, and you will be able to save the human childrens’ souls.”

I’m in negative kelvin now. Is that a thing?

Somehow, my bitch ass manages to speak up. “Toriel….okay so that was WAY heavy and I’m extremely...” 

I stop and bow as low as my back allows. Ow, my fucking back injury fucking SHIT.

I continue, “Jesus. I can’t imagine what you feel. But I am so, so sorry for your loss.”

I bow again, guilt escalating. “I’m sorry Toriel.”

After a moment, Toriel nods at me solemnly, then turns away. 

“Thank you, Jenn. Please leave me now. Take a nap, perhaps.”

I nod aggressively even though she can't see me. I NEED to gtfo asap.  
“Thank you, Toriel. I’m sorry. Yes, I’ll go.”

I book it out of the room and back into what I now know as her dead kids’ room. 

Jesus.

As soon as I close the door. I sink right down to the ground.

“shit.”

Now, actively realizing I’m in her DEAD kids’ room, I immediately start to have cramps in every single muscle in my body.

I get up and stamp around to make them stop. They do not.

“OWW.” I say, too loudly.  
“Oh FUCK.” I also say too loudly.

I hear the sound of footsteps, notably Toriel's, and clench every muscle in my body real hard so I can then release them all at once and gracelessly descend down in the bed as lifeless-like as possible, cramps be damned.  
My feet flop over the edges after, but who even cares anymore.

Toriel slowly cracks the door open, checking to see if I am asleep.

yo Im asleep as fuck, as it were.

She tiptoes in to place a piece of pie on the floor, then scoots herself out.

Okay, loving the pie, hating it on the floor.

Is this normal? How many more monster customs does my flat-ass need to learn?  
…  
A lot, probably.  
Goddamn.


	8. Exploration of Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short and crunchy as per the norm

Well I Actually fall asleep for a bit, my insomniac ass be damned.

Sleep. That sweet, sweet bliss.

Or it would be, if I hadn’t dreamt of falling into a big damn hole with no attainable escape, then waking up to find out that it was actually. Fucking. True.

Anyhow.   
Problems aside.

The pie is still there, on the floor.  
Germaphobe shit, you gotta chill. Because

I gobble that pie up, obvi.

And   
OH  
MY  
DAMN  
Listen I ain’t a pie type of gal but this…

This is my jam.  
Well, my pie.

It is….goodness  
It is YUMTOWN CENTRAL

Not gonna tell Toriel that tho  
Well I might do  
Okay I will.

After gobbling up the rest of that good, good pie. I wander back to towards where the room where I found Toriel before.  
I see her back in her chair and I suddenly have a bout of the anxieties. However, I will proceed.

Toriel looks up inquisitively when I stumble into the room, sugar drunk off her beautiful pie. Also very much still tired. EXTREMEly very tired. Prolly shoulda mentioned that. 

Any the ways.

I clear my throat, for what feels like the millionth time. Ugh I really don’t like confrontation but we gotta address some issues.  
Okay, here we go. “Toriel….”

“Can I have another piece of that pie you gave me? It was….oksorryforcursing but it was really fucking good.”

Toriel looks up at me and smiles, her eyes lighting up. “Of course, my chil…Jenn. I will get you another piece.”

She comes back with two pieces, one wrapped up tightly, looking delighted as hell that I asked her for more. I go to take one, but she pushes both pieces at me.  
“One for now, one for later?” She asks me. 

I gulp, even though I think that word and the actual sound of it is gross as hell.  
Toriel knows.  
We haven’t talked about it, but she knows.  
She knows that I will leave, and it warms my heart that she is giving me something so personal.

I cough and clear my throat, leaving out the heretofor expired, (as im in the underground and it is hopefully irrelevent) corona reference, and say,  
“Thank you Toriel. I appreciate it.”

Toriel reaches out and ruffles my hair. It briefly reminds me of how super nasty my hair is, but mostly makes me wish that I was home.  
You know how those parental gestures do.

I manage to put both of the pie slices into my sick as shit inventory before I stumble into the room she showed me and fall into her oversized kid’s bed .  
So I pass the fuck out.


	9. Where is the Goddamn Bathroom, Toriel???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can someone just like, duct tape me a chair so I'm not able to anything else but write? Cause that would really help with the writing and all.

I wake up feeling slightly better.

Blerg.

I guess, like, at least I’m awake. And not dead and shit. Idk man im just livin here.

I mean, like im not as tired as before so that’s good. My concussion, if I did indeed have one, is prolly gone now. I get up to stretch and realize in an immediately necessary way, I have not found a bathroom here. 

!!!!

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BATHROOM????

I NEED ONE ASAP!!

Bathroom needs, NOW PLEASE!!!

I rush out to the living room, where I assume Toriel is. 

She ain’t there.

FUUUUCK.

I run my ass back in her room and pound on her bedroom door.

“TORIEL!!!! GOTTA PEE WHERE IS THE BATHROOM HURRY HURRY HURRRYYYY PLEASEEEE!!!! IM DYYYYYYYYYYYNNNN”

Toriel interrupts my frenzied rant by opening the door with a slight smile, and points down the hallway to the room with ‘renovations’

I race down there and open the room to find a completely normal ass bedroom. 

What…. The…. Fuck?????!!!!

I run back to Toriel, who is still standing at her door and smiling a bit, and yell far too loudly while also being uncomfortable with how crazy I am sounding,  
“WHAT THE FUCK TORIEL WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I NEED TO GO PLEASE HELP, I CAN’T PISS IN A BEDROOM??”

Toriel giggles behind her hand, then sighs, “Sorry, Jenn. That was a personal joke.” 

I give her the stink face and quickly spew, “Toriel. Ima bout to piss my pants all over your damn floor, hardcore, and believe you me, you do NOT want me to do that. Please for love of like anything show me the way to your bathroom, restroom, or like anything similar please JESUS. Anything, similar would be SINCERELY FUCKING HELPFUL!!!

She guides me to a heretofore unknown room on the other side of the hallway. There’s a sign on the door labeled “toilets for non-monsters.”

Okay like weird but YAS.

Also the fact that I didn’t even notice it the first time round is weird as well, but w/e.

Oooooh, there’s a shower in here too. Hell yeah. After I deal with my (very necessary, tori!!) needs, I step out, quite a bit calmer and call down to Toriel in like half my teacher voice:  
“Hey Toriel! Sorry to bother you again, but do you have some clean clothes I can wear? Mine are nasty as..heck.”

Toriel steps out of her room, yawns and nods like she knew this was coming.

“I have accrued a small collection. Let me find some that will fit you.”

Well, what does THAT mean?

How does one accrue a collection of clothes outside the realm of what they wear? Like, does she mean human clothes? As in humans, the folks who slaughtered her children?????

JESUS. 

I shake it off till Toriel comes back. We can have that convo after I’ve showered. I can experience my horrid existential dread while in the shower. It’s better there for some reason.

I wait an indeterminable amount of time for Toriel to come back. Being without my phone or any other distractions is a damn right nasty existence bequeathed upon the innocent(ish) existence that I am subjected to. 

Every moment is hell.

I bounce my foot and tap my fingers so much I figure I will create an Underground earthquake the likes of which will only slightly affect anyone involved.

After waiting as long as I am physically capable of, which is to say about 2 minutes, I open the creepy “toilet for non-monsters” door” I check to see if there is a towel…hell yes there is! I look out to the hall again, then decide that she will probably just leave the clothes at the door. Time to take a sweet, SWEET motherfucking shower.

I stay in the shower for a long time. I’m getting more and more freaked out by the amount of human shit that Toriel has. I mean, especially after our last convo. SHIT that was fucked up.   
Also, why did I bow like that? Especially two times…surely there could have been a less awkward way to show that I was being sincere. Like, a hug? I don’t know, man! How do you act in situations like that???

Wait, waaay off track here, you are supposed to be organizing your thoughts!!! 

ANYWAYS BRAIN, she does live nearby a giant goddamn hole in a mountain, but I don’t think like, full bottles of shampoo would be falling down there. My anxiety is ramping up to become a literal flipping goddamn disaster when I finally make myself get out of the shower to deal with it. Buck up buttercup or shut the fuck up. I dry off with what turns out to be a SUPER fluffy towel, wrap it around myself and peek out the door for new clothes. Lying in a small pile by the door are some clothes. They are pretty snug, but will do until I can wear my other clothes again. 

Aaaaand since procrastination is a god given talent I have, I take the time to hand wash my clothes and hang them up around the bathroom to dry. 

Uuughhhh I HARDCORE don’t want to have another talk like that last one, but we gotta clear up a whole lotta shit.

I sigh dramatically, as I do most things.

I wrap the towel around my hair with as much dignity as I can, and go to find Toriel.


End file.
